A segment of the kind folks in my area of New Jersey don't like to work. At all. This accounts for the roving hordes of scalper scum I have to contend with as I scout for my favorite new releases that seemingly never arrive, but lurking just beyond the sight of these brazen asshats is another form of adventurous, arrogant, blatant thief.
THE TOY RAPIST
We warn you. The pictures you are about to see are quite graphic. Viewer discretion is advised.
The package art clearly shows a tranquil little Jawa and his robot buddy. After the Toy Rapist is done, all we have left is an old bounty hunter, a bundle of spare parts from God knows where and two light sabers. No doubt, the Toy Rapist was laughing when he returned this gem, as he wasn't even trying to make it look like there were two figures in there.
These two lady victims of Toy Rape are left without a head to scream out of the injustice happening under our noses every day. Horrific.
Remember when Egon said "don't cross the streams" in Ghostbusters? Well this Toy Rapist is so monstrous, he crosses continuities. Even though both G.I.Joe and Wolverine are Hasbro toys, and on a more specific note, both were Marvel Comics, this scene is no less shocking. I mean...come on. He's got a Cobra symbol on his chest. Wake up Walmart lady.
The Toy Rapist loves to victimize the poor, defenseless Jawas. This one is humiliated and left a double amputee. How will he feed his creepy little children and serve the Tall Man from Phantasm? The robot can't even look at him. It's sickening...and sad.
This next series depicts the furthest extent this horrible act can reach. You've been warned.
A sunny day on Endor with Rebel forces greeting their pals from the Empire..ROCKED TO THE CORE. Think this looks normal? Look closer.
The top is a clear case of TOY GANG RAPE. The bottom is unmolested. Gone are R2D2's shiny electro swirlies. Gone are the troopers' petite lady guns. Gone, perhaps, is Han Solo's head. It's Fordicide.
This only leads to many more questions. Does the Toy Rapist do it right there in the isle or does he take them home, dim the lights, put on some Kenny G and go to work? Is he only targeting the sweet, sweet smell of Hasbro figures for a reason? The answers might turn my stomach. Only YOU can help prevent toy rape. If you see an act of toy rape, take a picture with your camera phone and send it to email@example.com , then alert a clerk that someone is quite possibly retarded among their staff. Together we can stop...