I'm told Hot Topic's cache of Underoos started popping up around Halloween time (when most of you were dressing like slutty mice), but you'll forgive my lateness on this report as I barely ever venture into that bastion of tight back clothing lest I risk exiting thinking black eyeliner is a good look for me. Suffice to say, a tip from an awesome girl at the Trenton Punk Rock Flea Market had me in full search mode for an Oogie Boogie winter hat; a need so mighty I ventured to THE MALL.. and while seeking out the most awesome of head gear, found little pieces of my youth nestled in the corner, silently calling to my privates.
With a bit of research, I found that Fruit of the Loom had abandoned most of their licensed undies, but only recently licensed the Underoos name to a brave group of forward thinkers who knew full well we'd freak the hell out if we saw the retro packaging in stores again....AND FREAK I DID! Had the price tag not been $24.99, I would be wearing Skeletor Underoos as we speak. Not today....but soon....and often.
I'm reading these new retro Underoos are a limited release to Hot Topic stores with a lineup including He-Man and Skeletor from The Masters of the Universe, Batman, Batgirl, Wonder Woman, Superman and Harley Quinn repping DC Comics and lonely Captain America as the sole representative of mighty Marvel. Hot Topic online has these discounted to 19.95...so if you've got to have them all, that's the way to go.
Of course, this sparse collection will not do. I need more.
TOP 10 UNDEROOS I WANT IN 2015
10. CAPTAIN CAVEMAN
9. KRUMM FROM AHH! REAL MONSTERS (eyeballs on the chest..smile on the briefs)
8. FREDDY KRUEGER (sweater print t shirt, brown tidies)
7. THE THING FROM MARVEL COMICS (orange stone print t shirt, blue tidies..think about it..just about everyone cooler would have a boring, done to death match up..unless it's GROOT...)
6. BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA (Jack Burton's tank print on the T, blue jean pattern for the tidies that say "shake the pillars of heaven" across the butt)
5. KRANG IN THE ROBOT SUIT FROM TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES
4. THE 10TH DOCTOR
3. DEADPOOL (belt buckle logo on the crotch)
2. KANTI FROM FLCL (in the brown jacket with black wings on the back printed on the t shirt)
1. SPIDER-MAN (yeaaa..i know he's done a billion times...but the old school 60's cartoon design on Underoos that would contain my manhood would be AWESOME.)
Go forth and seek out your undies...and tell all the Hot Topic kids Idle Hands sent ya.