Saturday, May 4, 2013

Free Comic Book Day 2013 Adventures

It happens once every thousand years. Free Comic Book day aligning with May the 4th, which any self respecting geek knows is Star Wars Lovefest Day. Our journey began around 10 with me in my Aquabats T Shirt and mask and Eileen wearing a Wonder Woman t shirt (with built in cape...just go with it), form fitting blue mini skirt and white heels to assure that any comic shop would be very happy to see her coming...but before it was time to swim through piles of free books, we were scheduled to hit the HAZLET TOWN-WIDE GARAGE SALE!!  Yea. Sexy time. For those who have never partaken in such pursuits, this is a game where you drive into a town and look for little neon colored signs signifying a garage sale. Then you park, hop out, and hope more than one home on the street is having a sale. After you've dug through a home owner's collection of Precious Moments statuettes, picture frames still in the plastic, awesome 80's cd collection and the occasional full length fur coat that looks like it's been defiled by the youngest male member of the household, you hop back in your car and look for more lil neon signs. Since I am slow and fairly useless in the morning, we were already off to a late start, so we only had time to hit a hand full of houses. My two scores consist of a military fold up shovel (which will come in handy when we are pelted by meteors, rocked by earthquakes or besieged by the living dead...IT DOES IT ALL!!) and a glass head.

and now...Idle Hands presents....20 USES FOR A GLASS HEAD!!

20. Sideways flower pot
19. 1 night stand bed decoy
18. Very tall Invisible Man costume
17. Emergency bathroom
16. Folk Music Instument
15. The base for the most awesome DIY lamp ever
14. Impractical Aventure Time Finn Hat holder
13. Old Mr.Head Hands Costume (2 required)
12. Renaissance Faire Mead Goblet
11. Make out practice partner
10. A face for the voice in your head, eliminating all that awkward looking around
9. Hysterical small dog bowl
8. Halloween candy dispenser you can never put down
7. Creepy toupee stand
6. Old Time Radio voice enhancer
5. Level 6 Difficulty Western Spitoon
6. "No one touch the fucking 12 sided dice" barrier
5. Groin protection (add straps)
4. New home for your finger puppet collection (best answer ever)
3. Babysitter
2. Take-Out Drive Through Prank Cranium (add large hoodie)
1. Receptacle for your hopes and dreams

...and that's why I bought it for 5 dollars. Steal.

Off to The Comic Crypt in Red Bank, NJ for the opening bell at 11am. In previous years, the internal battle was "Get up for free comics..sleeeep." Sleep always won, but when you have friends to make the day ridiculous, it's worth it....and I'm funnier when I'm sleep deprived, win for everyone. Though we were something like the 6th people in line, we STILL had to battle fiercely for our free comics and STILL discovered there were titles we missed just seconds later. HOW MANY FUCKING COPIES DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOU SELFISH BASTARDS!!! Seriously..I could see the makeshift table a foot idea how I missed out on some books. No matter, I had no game plan pieced together from the list of books available we'd posted earlier this week and, therefore, no real, solid agenda, and still scored 28 books which we will be banging out mini-reviews for later this week, along with links to any company offering the books digitally for you lazy mofos who couldn't be bothered. Yes, I'm allowed to feel superior now. What? You just woke up? Bitch, I been up since 8 and got an awesome glass head already! Eat it...said I in my X-Files: The Next Generation FanFic.

There were 501st Legion in effect, including Scout Troopers, an Imperial Guard, the sexy version of Darth Maul (yes, I'm aware it's an actual character IT'S STILL SEXY DARTH MAUL) and a mini Vader (complete with pouty lip. LOOKIT THE POUTY LIP!!!)

Also on hand was an awesome girl with a "Thorios" T Shirt, a girl who I thought was wearing a Jayne hat but it turned out to be a Boba knit hat, and our pal Lily Stitches who knows more Brak songs than I do. That's hot. I had some business to take care of before we could move onto the next destination, so me and Lilly jumped onto the railroad tracks in the back yard and had a quickie Hasbro Iron Man 3 roleplay photoshoot (pics to come, but one snuck out onto Instagram) while looking around 60 times to make sure we wouldn't be run down and wondering if one of the tracks would deep fry us. Lily thought it might make for a great effect in one of the pics. I assured her I could do better in Photoshop. She'd also like you to know the Iron Man 3 mask is fucking heavy and not very comfortable, she couldn't see well through the eyes, BUT, if you mess with the straps, you can make it so the top strap would screw up your Classic Silk Spectre hair. Mission complete. Lily also remarked it is more difficult to make Watchmen pasties than she had first thought. The boys appreciate your efforts.



I scooped up several issues of FF, Indestructable Hulk, Saga and The New Ghostbusters, thanked Brian, the shop owner and was on my way. After a quick stop for burgers, we found our way to The Hobby Shop in Matawan, NJ where Robert Bruce (of Comic Book Men), Cliff Galbraith (comics Unbearable and Rat Bastid) and Dave Ryan (War of the Independents) were signing for the masses amid what few Free Comic Book Day comics were left after the animals descended and raped the land. Robert's evil son was hanging out as well. I said hi and he replied "Do I know you?" I leaned down and reminded him he was attempting to beat me at the last Asbury Lanes Garage Sale. The boy would slide a chair closer and closer to me every time he passed, wait for me to be distracted by a customer and then launch himself onto my back. Luckily, he and his friends are still small and throwable, so not much of a threat. "OH YEA" he replied as the happy memories of his cruelty rushed back. Good times. That same day I asked him why he had red rings under his eyes and he replied "Because I'm Satan." He's a good kid. $1 back issues allowed Eileen to fill in her New52 Wonder Woman and Catwoman collections, because we are easily distracted and forget our comic babies are marching on without we must catch up. We grabbed a Superman comic we'd missed, squeezed Heather Luzzi and jumped back in the car bound for Zapp Comics.

Last year, by the time we got to Zapp, the place was like a ghost town, the staff looked like they'd seen some prison rape and sort of exhaustively chuckled when we asked what free comics they had left. This year, the store was buzzing with customers and as we entered, an employee was decimating the bottom shelf of a display case while attempting to retrieve one figure. Clearly PTSD. Lucky for me, the chaos drew my attention to a Yellow Lantern Kryb figure laying in the newly formed pile. NEEEEED!! The dude behind the counter asked if he had any accessories he should be looking for. I said "Nope, just her back babies" and pointed to the cage on her back. He thought I was joking until I showed him the tiny plastic babies in the figures back. One blue and one pink. Adorable. One more Lantern figure to add to my armies. ...........I don't have a problem. Minutes later I watched a woman struggle with her comic choices as her total for her full stack came to 70 bucks...which is ROUGH these days! She regarded each comic like a parent forced to tell her children which ones were her favorites. Now SHE has a problem. I ain't got no problems. SO! Snagged me a Yellow Lantern and a stack of Adventure Time B Covers and out the door we went.

Nerdiness Achieved.

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