Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I'm Captain Planet, M'er F'er

Sure, I curse in my articles, but you don't have to do it in the titles. It's just crass! Fuck, yea. That is an example of just one of the lessons taught to me by Captain Planet, whom I credit for all my writing skills. As my generation emerge from their cocoons as hairy, awkward, horrifically anti-social adults, it seems the image of Captain Planet we have kept in our brains has been rotting...distorting...warping into some vile thing worthy of mockery. LIES I TELL YOU!! When our planet is ready to shake us off like so many ticks on the back of a wet dog, we will finally remember what the Captain could have done for us..and you know what...he'll be someplace in that other dimension..laughing...probably drinking a Tab... Because YOU didn't recycle Pete Caballero. I hope you're happy. Here are two prime examples of how modern society is disgracing the spotless image of the Captain. Please address your concerns about further parody to your local congressperson.

Remember kids, Captain Planet does NOT kick people in the balls...but he will drop you out the window of a 30 story building if you don't cut the plastic rings that hold bottles of soda together before disposing of them. Save those turtles, y'all!

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