Monday, July 18, 2011

The Incredible Hulk XXX: A Porn Parody Review

Who doesn’t remember the iconic image of David Banner walking down that lonely road with quiet, simple piano music playing? Well, if you aren’t old like me, you don’t remember it at all, so for the younglings, let me give an overview. Back when dinosaurs still roamed the earth, The Incredible Hulk was a fairly successful TV series starring Bill Bixby as the brooding super scientist Dr. David Banner, walking the roads of America like Kane in Kung Fu trying to find a cure for the affliction called THE HULK!! In times of great stress, banner turns into a green goliath with nearly unstoppable power and great rage, making him a monster to those who can’t see beyond the growling. The answer to this malady would not be “more cowbell.” The Hulk was played by Lou Ferrigno…and now you know why that guy is at all the comic conventions! Mystery solved. Flash forward past the TV death of the hulk, the poetic Ang Lee Hulk and the awesome in-continuity with the Marvel Movies “The Incredible Hulk” and we come to 2011’s offering from Vivid Entertainment Super Heroes; The Incredible Hulk XXX: A Porn Parody. Surely, a pinnacle in the character’s illustrious career. Hey, times are tough. We don’t judge.

Dale Dabone and his awesome 70’s hair plays the frustrated scientist Banner, seeking to tap into the heights of human potential. He has lost his lady love in a car accident and blames himself for not having the strength to save her. Now he spends his days examining people who have exhibited super human strength to overcome their own potential tragedy. Of course, these examinations are highly scientific and involve video interviews with a young woman and a jive talkin’ character I believe is named “Mr. Jacks” (as he calls himself in the 3rd person) as they reminisce about how they were double or triple teamed right before the incident. Stand out moments in these scenes include the woman’s boyfriend who turns the tables on the conventions of porn and leaves HIS dress shoes on while fucking (just like the ladies) and Mr. Jacks giving his explanations of his sexcapades, tho it doesn’t seem like he’s keeping in character while the actual scene is playing out. The director should have screamed “Make it FUNKIER”…but I suppose you then run the risk of your porn actors taking that too literally and then you’ve got Mr.Jackson, 3 girls and a cup.

This exploration of the depths of the human body (see what I did there?) goes on for TWO HOURS. Lovely scientist Dr Elaina Marks (Lily LaBeau) assists the good doctor with his search for the elusive elements while secretly pining away for the doctor’s mighty test tube. Meanwhile, Jack McGee (played by excellent character/porn actor Randy Spears) sneaks around the lab demanding to know what diabolical experiments are going on in there. Mind you, save for that bit of hamming by Mr. Jacks, this is all played DEADLY SERIOUS. It seems the film makers wanted to mirror the drama from the show exactly. Well, congrats. Mischief managed. This is very one note and sort of a debby downer (cept for the uber sex, of course) for TWO HOURS…and no Hulk yet.

Now we figure out why this is a 2 disk set. Popping in the second disk reveals this wasn’t a cliff hanger! Yaaay. Banner gets into the radiation pod, juices himself and before long, we’ve got HULK!! To their credit, the film makers put in bits with the mid-transformation look where ever they could. After rampaging through lesbian camp grounds, Dr. Banner reveals his new alter ego to Elaina. Bowm Chica. She likes him when he’s angry. Lee Stone steps in complete with hulk wig, giant eyebrows, full body green spray and shredded pants he wont’ be needing for long. He’s fucking hysterical and never drops character. NEVER. Only Elaina knows how to calm the savage beast and suffice to say, her lipstick will be green in a moment. As I watched, I couldn’t help thinking that they could have dipped his wee wee in green food coloring so it would keep the color. THAT’S AUTHENTICITY RGHT THERE!! I suppose there’s no way of telling how long the green junk would remain though, and they crank out porn movies every 3 hours out there, so all is forgiven. At any rate, without giving up the rest of the plot (snicker), Hulk is born, McGee is determined to demonize him and Dr. Elaina is caught in the middle of it all. As is often my complaint of main stream movies, this one lacks a central bad guy to add another dimension to the story, but again, it seems they were making a carbon copy of the original TV series which only had human thug baddies, so there you go. Mr. McGee and his camera is all we get.

If you can find hilarity in Dale Dabone’s dead on, straight faced mimic of Bill Bixby, Randy Spears hardcore determined sneer of Jack McGee, and of course, Lee Stone growling his way through his hulkified sex scenes, then with a drink or two, you’ve got a party. (Unintentional hilarity note: When Hulk does Elaina from behind, her butt gets green. HA!) Of course if you’re partying with drinks, 4 hours of porn won’t hurt either. Beyond that, it’s FOUR HOURS of PORN, and for someone watching the scenes in between more intently than the ins n outs, it can get a bit old. Honorable mention for Katie St Ives who made the most of one funny as all hell sex scene involving an exploration of the extents of frustration. She’s adorable.

EXTRAS! First off, scene selection takes on a whole new meaning on this dvd. You can select a specific scene and pinpoint the exact sex act you’d like to play over and over. In the behind the scenes bits, we spend time with Dale talking about his love of character acting, Lily cracking the extras camera guy up and the pitfalls of what seemed to actually be a food colored penis. THEY DID DO IT! Newfound respect. Unfortunately for Lily, the food coloring is no fun on the hands, teeth, lips or tongue. So… good idea…bad idea. There’s everything here from spray painting a naked dude to tossing a truck off a road. It’s super long. There’s a behind the scenes photo gallery and a photo gallery of in scene stills presented in slideshow fashion, made unintentionally funny when set to the beautiful strains of the Hulk theme knock off. It’s like..aww..they are 69’ing. So dramatic. Disk two contains a bonus scene of Superman and Lois Lane getting it on in Superman XXX. More bang for your buck is an understatement.

All in all, this latest hero spoof is a mixed bag. On one hand, the tone of the movie is extremely dramatic, which I suppose is not what the common geek is looking for in spoof porn. On the other hand, there are still moments of hilarity to be had when everyone is the straight man in situations that are beyond ridiculous. Add to that the ability for most actors to remain uber-in character during their sex scenes and you’ve got plenty to smile about…and not in that Chester the Molester way. Hulk XXX is an epic film at 4 hours running time, but if you already get the joke going in, you’ll brag that you own it to everyone you know.

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