Superman XXX : A Porn Parody Review

Deciding to cover porn is probably a life altering decision for some people. When Vivid comes to you and says “We are going to make porn with our actors dressed like your favorite comic book heroes. What do you think?” What do I think??!! I’m in! You see, in most cases, JUST covering porn seems like a creepy concept. Covering geeky comic book porn elevates the medium to 30 degrees of awesome, the likes of which we haven’t seen since the days of Edward Penishands. If you are offended, there are plenty of other articles on Idle Hands where I ramble on about toys and geeky movies and no one whips their junk out...but I can’t guarantee I won’t curse or reference Edward Penishands in those articles as well. Now that that’s out of the way…onto Superman xxx: A Porn Parody!!

Since it’s been a long time since I popped in a porn DVD, I thought I might mention some of the pre-show junk you see on these things. The bulk of these seem to be commercials with smooth talking woman rubbing their boobs…a little different than the Geico Gecko. I am told to buy Vivid Condoms by a woman just about to have sex with Balthazar Getty. Another suggests I “Get an Ass on my Axe” and buy a Vivid guitar. Even their 800 sex line commercials are significantly different in that they warn if you have a weak heart; don’t call, lest you explode from the mere suggestion that professional ladies are touching you in some alternate dimension. Aww. They don’t want you to die! How thoughtful. The ads end with an impassioned plea to not watch your porn on internet “Tube” sites that are banking on these poor girls and not giving anything back. PORN STARS GOTTA EAT, YO!! Pirating is bad. Got it. Onto the movie!!

We open on the trial of Zod and his cohorts with a very serious tone and all involved acting their asses off. Completely unexpected! Casting and costuming in this scene alone shows the level of detail the film makers wished to keep all through the movie. Hell, Mattel made a 12 inch Zod figure and didn't even get the costume right. You are made aware of the fact that while the Phantom Zone flying panel effect probably cost thousands of dollars back in the days of Superman 2, we can now replicate this in minutes and have a computer savvy intern handle it! Like any good film maker knows, you’ve got to get right into the action, so while Clark Kent sits in coach next to the male version of Macy Gray , the flight crew sex up a vocal stewardess while hysterically maintaining perfect control of the plane. PROFESSIONALISM!! I expect no less from Evan Stone AKA that porn guy in all the spoof-porn trailers who you probably already think is funny as all hell.

All the catch phrases are there alongside porn versions of key moments (sort of) and pornified versions of actual dialogue we know and love from the original Superman film. Sadly, Superman does NOT interrupt the “Can you read my mind” sequence by screwing Lois in mid flight. Even sadder, Lex Luthor doesn’t trick Superman into boning Miss Teschmacher with Kryptonite in her lady parts. The limited involvement of Lex and the cliffhanger-y-ish ending suggest that might be coming in part 2!! We can only hope. What you do get is Andy San Dimas as Lois Lane getting 3-wayed by Zod and company as well as James Deen as Jimmy Olsen who tricks the secretary into blowing him because they may be destroyed by Lex Luthor any minute. It’s worth mentioning that all actors, no matter what their role in the film, are 100% in character no matter what, or whom, they are doing. Half of Hollywood can’t say as much. This is especially gut busting with Zod, whose catch phrase (Kneel before Zod for the geek-lite) takes on a whole new meaning. I wonder if Terrance Stamp will see this?

Extras on the disk include a half hour behind the scenes look at how the flight scene was done as well as candid moments from a funny and entertaining cast, a photo gallery of all your favorite scenes frozen in time, previews for upcoming films including Elvis XXX: A Porn Parody and the option to watch the movie without the sex, which is the equivalent of your friends filming their own, quirky, low budget version of Superman, which, while somewhat amusing, isn’t nearly as funny without the moaning and grunting. It actually plays like someone making the film for YouTube hits, suggesting that there will be sex but never showing the goods. Oddly, you’ll find 90% of the humor in this movie is during the sex scenes, whether it be from Lois’s plucky determination showing through even while bent over backwards, Ursa shouting commands to Lois in a monotone voice as she does her thing or even the flight crew’s snappy pilot banter as they double team a stewardess. Also, without all the sex, the movie is a half hour long. WHERE’S THE FUN IN THAT??!! There will be those that get the joke and those that don’t. If you are reading this, you probably get the joke, and therefore need to buy this for countless screenings with drunken friends. It’s the ultimate party movie!

P.S. If I don't see pics of people dressed as the XXX versions of famous heroes at San Diego Comic Con this year, I will be greatly disappointed.

Superman XXX: A Porn Parody from Vivid XXX Super Heroes is in stores now.