Porn Comes Home To New Jersey

Ah yes..right where it belongs. When you say Porn to me I immediately think of a little film called Edward Penishands and the magic it sparked in my mind as a young man. You see, Edward had penises for hands that would get hard when excited, then turn a vibrant shade of purple before finally letting loose all over whom ever was shaking them vigorously at the time. This is top notch special effects for porn at the time. Later in the story, some people are out to ruin our hero so they send to destructo-hookers to sex him into the ground and ply him with cocaine until his penishands are flaccid and useless. In the next scene, he is seen picking up trash in a park with one of those poker things tied to his limp penis hand. So sad. Today, it seems we are getting a very happy return to the days when porn took itself less seriously and spoofing movies while boning real life barbie dolls was king. XXXBatman paved the way, and in a world where Warner Brothers will license Batman for porn, anything is possible. This is why, when my friend Brian in PR for the adult industry suggested I attend a convention called EXXXOTICA that was happening in my back yard, I couldn't resist.

We picked Saturday to hit the convention, thinking it would maximize our freak watching capabilities. Myself and Maria were going to a post-Halloween party that night, so of course the temptation to wear my Casey Jones costume to the pornicon was great...but I kept him under wraps. After being at the con for 10 minutes, I was assured me in costume would have brought great joy to all the ladies, so maybe next year! As we entered the building, I was greeted by Steve and Gabe who I'd known from years working on Action-figure.com and was warned "the toys you will find in there may not be the ones you are accustomed to taking pictures of." I told them my hope was that they were just as articulated, light up and at least one would speak in a Christopher Walken voice. Alas, the "devices" on hand were not that much fun. One stand presented us with implements of vaginal destruction that looked like fine hand blown glass (an oximoron to be sure) that could almost pass for art in one's posh Brooklyn apartment. Their show stopper was something I was calling the "Dildorang" as it appeared to be something you could throw at someone, it would service them, and then return to you after having disinfected itself. WELCOME TO THE FUTURE!! We were assured that this device labeled "Fun Factory" was cleverly designed for insertion while keeping the controls handy (snicker..I said handy), which he demonstrated after asking Maria "How do YOU hold your dildo?" Redness ensued. I asked when this would be available for the Wii but he didn't seem to get my meaning...and we were off!















We made our rounds past isles of tables, saying hello to Darien Caine (our beloved horror/soft core porn minx) and the lovely ladies of Burning Angel, including Joanna's brand new blow up doll which, sadly, she did not have on display like a waving willy. Just a little helium and 10% imagination and their booth would have been epic. Also signing was geek heartbreaker Misti Dawn, to whom I presented a Golden Eye "Cheater" T Shirt, assuring her she would know what it was the second she opened it. She did. Now, for those of you at the recent Rock and Shock convention who did not know how to respond to such an awesomely dorky, be-all-and-end-all of gamer t shirts, the correct exclamation was "OH MY GOD THAT RULES" and then squeeze me for being your kind and benevolent nerd-king, as was the way of Misti Dawn, whom you can all learn a thing or two from. Sadly absent from the booth was Jessie Lee who we've learned was in a horrible car crash. If you'd like to kick her over a few bucks to help pay for what are sure to be horrific hospital bills (as she's got no health insurance like most of us), check out our buddy Jeremy Saffer's Tumblr for info on how you can help out in any way possible or just visit http://helpomgitsjessielee.com/.

Annnd back to the show. This is not a GIANT convention, so the rows and rows of vendors selling sexbots they would have to hysterically activate for me were not present, so I resigned myself to snapping pics of the lovely ladies who's names I did not know and following Nick Manning around, who was dressed as (one would assume) The Cock Knight (if they had any inventive spirit) AKA Batman of porn as he appears in a film called BATFXXX which we pronounced "batfxxxccchksss", natch. Its a romantic title you'll want to whisper in your lover's ear. The show also featured some killer cars on the outskirts, so we snapped pics of that baddassery as well. CLICK HERE to take it all in. TAKE IT ALL!!

Thanks to the EXXXOTICA crew for showing us a good time, Misti Dawn for being completely adorkable, that awesome dude who let me wield his dual dong nunchucks and the fine people who made a giant, delicious, vanilla cock pop which Maria whittled away at for 4 hours at the Halloween party, dressed as Lindsay Lohan, much to the delight of all families in attendance.