Jim Schultz leads a fulfilling life with countless display cases lining the walls of his home packed with model trains,cars and a giant model of the Nautilus from 20 Thousand Leagues Under the Sea in the center of it all. His world was peaceful until the day he wandered into his local Toys R Us and was shocked to his core at the sight of a Dexter action figure hanging from the pegs. (Cue the Dun Dun DUUUUUUUUUN!!! music) Never before had he seen an obvious killer of men embodied in plastic form and worse, available for purchase in the same building as Elmo, Barbie and copies of Operation Dumbo Drop. THE HORROR!! Jim was so traumatized, he alerted the local news in Columbus, Ohio who had grown bored reporting on all the needless death and injustice in the world and felt Jim's complaint was so important, he should get a prime perch to shout from. We at Idle Hands applaud the cutting edge reporting of Bakersfield's Turnto23.com and would like to "enhance" their story with some revelations we've made ourselves. To our dismay, action figures of killers have been right under our noses for years now and no one has noticed or cared to blow the whistle. This injustice ends now with our comprehensive list of KILLERS IN PLASTIC!!
1. Darth Vader - Destroyer of planets, corrupter of minds, killer of children and available in a variety of styles from giant statue to squishy plush! You can even get a little LEGO version. Adorable.
2. Freddy Krueger - Killer of children in dreams and reality, known pedophile and heesterical with the snappy comebacks. There are over a dozen Freddy figures on the market.
3. Lex Luthor - Has been known to sink a coast to up the value of his real estate. Lex may not have a TON of little plastic versions out there, but I can think of 6 just off the top of my head and TWO are hanging in Toys R Us right now.
4. The Joker - Rapist and all around homicidal maniac, this genius jester will blow up a building at will, gas a crowd at a concert or beat a sidekick to death with a crowbar. Relive his most heinous crimes with easily over 50 action figures.
5. Galactus - Let's face it kids, when you want to kill the most imaginary people you possibly can, all at once, you need to pull out the big guns! He's been on the shelves around 5 times before and now the Marvel Universe line presents a brand new GALACTUS action figure! Galactus is a world devouring force of nature in the Marvel Universe and now you can bring him home to torment the cats! There's no better way to wipe out a race of plastic beings all at once.
6. Godzilla - It is damn near impossible to calculate the number of toys and action figures Godzilla has had over the years, but if you are looking for wholesale destruction on your little plastic army people taking residence in our cardboard box cities, look no further than big green. He'll smash em up, burn and up and just plain chew em up...and he's so popular, I can't ever recall a time you couldn't find him in most any toy store on the planet.
7. Zombies - Sure, we are talking ground level killing here and compared to our other entries, the Zombie may not be much of a killing machine on its own, but in groups, the chewing sounds alone are enough to drive little Timmy mad!! Let's see a Barbie do that! NECA currently have a couple of zombies ready to add to your growing army on the pegs at Toys R Us (conveniently placed inches from a certain Dexter action figure).
8. Venom - He may not be brilliant or have access to genocidal death rays, but this favored Spider-Man baddie who plays the good guy just as often as bad guy has one action feature they have yet to duplicate in his many, many plastic forms. He eats people. I even have a figure of this guy with a little speaker backpack that exclaims "I want to eat your brains!" It was always fun at family gatherings.
I could go on for far longer than you'd be interested in reading, so I'll end here. Just be warned. There is terror in the toy isles and if you aren't careful, your child may be next on their hit list!!!
NOTE: Not one word in this article is to be taken seriously. Should you be too embarrassed to buy your Dexter action figure from BifBangPow at a TRU location, you can stockpile the toys on Entertainment Earth! Don't tell them I told you so. Bad Bad Bad.