Magic can strike when you least expect it. Today, it surfaced at the dollar store.
Always a haven for bootleg looking figures and licensed items that make you wonder if anyone actually pays attention to such things, today, the dollar store outdid itself. The line is called Fight Club. Capitalizing on the popularity of mixed martial arts, the enterprising folks at Homieshop (I shit you not) have created a cast of characters that will take you apart in the steel cage...or turn on Barry White and violate your mom. Either or. Let's have a look.
Dean "Thumper" Thompson - The least comical of this bunch, whose only crime is having displaced pupils. It is this affliction that would cause him to be ruthlessly picked on all through high school, toughening him up for a life of cage fighting. See? Not so comical. Let's move on.
Carlos "Loco" Gonzalez - He's got the crazy eyes! Cuz..you know..he's loco. Besides all the super stereotypes...born in East LA and all that..and the jokes you can make about being a submission specialist... Carlos doesn't provide much material. His bio says he can stand and bang, which is difficult for any man. Trust me.
Don "One Shot" Kong - Aww. Only one shot. They missed the paint application to his stache completely, so he looks like he has a big frowny face of disappointment and humiliation. Don't confuse him with that other famous fighter from the Congo...Don "Ki" Kong. I apologize.
"Jackhammer" Jackson - The crown jewel of this collection. He's the throwdown champion, so if he says he'll tear your clothes off with his teeth, you better go limp. You take a man with evil eyes on either side of his package very seriously.
These were way funnier when I was in the store. I laughed pretty hard and drew some attention from the store clerks. I even heard them call someone to the security camera room and assumed they were mocking me in secret, so I left the isle quickly. Oh well..what's done is done.