Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Movie Ushers to Twilight Fans: "GO HOME!"

It's no mystery to any movie loving soul that Twilight: New Moon opened this weekend, raking in over 140 million in it's first days of moaning infancy. The crowds seem to mirror video footage of ladies watching The Beatles and Michael Jackson (in other countries), though maybe without much of the frantic behavior behind it. They sure do have the screaming down! An usher from an undisclosed location in New Jersey dropped me an email to weigh in on the psychotica she observed on opening night. Keep in mind the writer is young(ish) and wrote this shortly after her ordeal...

Why Twilight, (Or as I constantly refer to it as-Twatlight), is such a phenomenon, is beyond me. It's emo, bland, cheesy, whiny, and just damn idiotic. Yet, all these dumbass tweenyboppers flock to it like it is a frigging life or death situation. They clearly believe vampires are real and that they do indeed sparkle, which leads me to believe that they have not one ounce of a brain in their heads.

Working Twilight opening night last year was ridiculous. Hundreds of people lined up hours ahead of time, all decked out in their Twatlight shirts. They screamed at everything, all while on the frigging line!! We had to expand our holding areas just to make room for these dumb asses. When us ushers had to open the ropes for them, they ran like Godzilla was about to eat them, (If only he had). I would walk into the theater just to watch their stupid reactions and, boy, was it ear piercing. Whenever Bella or Edward (what immensely cheesy names) appeared on the screen with their useless expressions, these girls screamed their lungs out. It was just plain annoying and unnecessary.

Now working opening night for New Moon this year, I knew it'd be worse, and it was. This time, the shows all sold out and later shows began to in advance. They did their typical routine of getting here hours ahead of time. We put them in holding areas that can only contain so many of those wasteful lifeforms. They lined up throughout our lobby because these lines were long. Everywhere I looked, all I saw were these idiot girls (and adults too) standing there in their waste of money Twatlight shirts. "Team Jacob", "Team Edward". I love how they root for this Jacob dude, knowing he does not get the anorexic bitch!! You read the crap filled books now didn't you?? We all know you spent your parents cash on these tree killer books.

Each time us ushers went past, they gave us the look of, "Let us the hell in!". Myself, being an avid Twatlight hater, wore my "Twilight Sucks" pin with pride. They did not like this. I like good franchises, fools. "Have you ever seen Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings?" I wanted to ask them but let's face it, they probably can't even spell Mississippi or count backwards due to their lack of intelligence. Hell, how smart can one be if they truly believe vampires shimmer in the sun? They frigging burn you suckers!

Whenever we opened the ropes, it was the usual run for your lives to the theater fiasco. But this year, they screamed louder and shoved each other harder. In the theater, not one seat was empty compared to last year. 500 seat theaters were sold out. It is utterly ridiculous for this piece of crap. Because this was wayyyyyyy bigger than last year's opening night, we had to run around constantly to clean up their HORRENDOUS messes, so I barely had time to go into the theaters to watch these idiots, but I caught them at the film's brainless ending. When that happens, these twats burst out loud with gasps and screams as if, like I said before, they didn't know this was coming!! They act like it was truly a shock!! Come on now! They cheer on end for endless minutes while the credits roll with yet another bland "song".

Then I watch them finally get off of their Abercrombie asses to leave, but do they leave in peace? Hell no. They open their yaps and all I hear were nails on a chalkboard about the damn movie. "OMG I LOVED THAT PART!!" "POOR JACOB!! THAT ENDING!! GASP!!" I even saw girls crying. CRYING!!!! The pretty boy werewolf lost the ugly ho to an expressionless "vampire", boo hoo. Give me your address so I can send you flowers. Jesus. Don't even get me started on the messes we cleaned that took FOREVER. They threw their paper towels into mountain piles in the bathrooms.

Overall, it was hell all night. It was the worst night I have ever worked at the theater and I have been there almost 2 years. The night felt never ending. I came home with my joints achy as hell. It's sad how society flocks to this shit. This series was written by a sad housewife who was bored and probably wanted to write out a fantasy her own tween self dreamed of. That is a lame life for any kid. I've been forced to watch both movies days ago and it was needles in my eyes and ears. I got halfway through number one and fell asleep on and off throughout number 2. The dialogue, story, characters, "action", "acting", look, "actors", just everything are downright terrible, wasteful, useless and ludicrous. Every Twatlighter out there needs to watch The Lost Boys. Now those, my little dumb asses, are real vampires.

So, yea, she felt strongly about this. In the interest of fairness, I thought I might grab one of the die hard fans off of the IMDB forums for the film to answer some of the questions posed in the above rant like "How can you watch this??" and "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!!??!!" Well, not really, but she graciously answered some questions on why she liked the film. Her name is "Erica Says Go Dance" ...and she loves the Twilight...

I consider myself a pretty big fan of this franchise and there are multiple reasons for it. I am a huge fan of fantasy and have been for all my life. This series embodies all of my favorite aspects of fantasy, namely the supernatural elements, and the romance factor. I don't scream for the actors, I scream because I love this series soo much and am excited that a visual personification of it is being unveiled. I love the stimulus of the crowd and it just gets you hyped up.

Even though I knew what was going to happen, I found myself delving headfirst into the movie and really concentrating on the plot line. Having prior knowledge actually helped me stay focused on the movie since I was excited to see how my favorite scenes were gonna play out on the screen. I didn't compare the book scenes against the movie scenes until after the movie was over though. When you have read passages from a book for years, its totally satisfying to have a visual companion to it.

Wow. That was..more coherent than I expected. Honestly, when you dislike a movie this much, it's easy to get caught up in bashing the fans that loved it completely, and I suppose I'm guilty of that to a degree. Regardless of what anyone thinks, an over 200 million world wide take (and growing) is astounding and slams one simple fact upside your head.




  1. Thank you for taking the time to consider the opinion of a Twilight fan instead of using this letter as another means of bashing the series. Not all Twilight fans are babbling lust struck teens who couldnt string a sentence together. Some of us have brains that function and can reasonably explain why we like this particular series. Even if people like the movie usher hate the series, nobody deserves to be put down because of something that brings them joy.

  2. Well said. Twilight fans come in all shapes and sizes and, agree or disagree, the series is here to stay. I'd say you are good for at least three movie movies! Haters had better suck it up.